I'm tired of being depressed. I feel like my life is in a disturbing and terrible limbo. Looking forward to the future is confusing and painful and makes me feel guilty. There are so many complexities to our life right now, and we are in control of very few of them. When I am not agonizing about Henry and his pain and discomfort, I am fretting for the rest of our family.
Worrying about the long term effect of watching a brother linger with illness and eventually pass away.
The gravity of my life, my role and my pain eventually overwhelms me.
I watch myself, I understand the 'scholarly' and 'clinical' descriptions of depression and grief. I am right where I am supposed to be, but be damned - I am tired of it.
Things that could make me happy are confusing, conflicting and chaotic.
How can I justify feeling happy when my son is dying?
How do I put on a 'regular' face and purchase paper towels at Target?
How do I plan for the future of my some of my children while planning a eulogy for another?
I want to crawl in hole.
No words, just I love you.
ReplyDeleteWords all seem contrite right now.. know that our family is quietly observing and loudly praying. For all of you...for peace comfort strength and that you feel the warmth of love from people you've never met but who think of you regularly.
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